ten-thousand strollers
aka, the post where I link to my favorite baby things but also have an existential crisis!
I keep thinking about how I want to buy a lightweight stroller.
The thing is that I already own a very good stroller that is pretty light, but not *super* lightweight, and it also lives in our car trunk which is down 40 stairs from where our house sits atop a Pittsburgh hill. What I really want, I think, is a stroller to keep in the house and carry up the ten stairs to our back alley (yes, you read it right, there is no way to exit our house without traversing a two-digit amount of stairs, SOB) so that I can walk the baby around our neighborhood (and think my own dear thoughts, move my own dear body, look at the earth’s own dear trees) without having to schlep something in and out of the car trunk, and I want that stroller to be lightweight so that I can maneuver it without exhausting the very little energy I’m hanging onto for dear life.
Even typing this, I feel so stupid. “You already own a very nice stroller, Amy. USE IT.” We do use it! When we go places in the car! But I’m not one of those porch moms in the normal walkable neighborhoods who can leave the stroller out on the porch just to duck out for a quick stroll, I have this weird STAIRCASE HOUSE, in this hilly neighborhood, and I need another stroller just to get my mind around how to actually live here.
Or, I think I need another stroller. I think some imaginary very specifically perfect piece of gear will douse out the ambient frustration that’s crackling around me. That lightweight stroller will fix it!
This keeps happening over and over, and sometimes I give in to the impulse, and sometimes I don’t. I want to buy ten-thousand baby gear items, and I take great satisfaction when I really use the things I buy, like it proves that all this haphazard purchasing is worthwhile and not some strange coping mechanism, which I suspect all this *consumption* actually is.
Babies really genuinely do require a fair amount of honest-to-goodness gear. Sure the minimal mamas pretend that all you need for a baby is a few cotton cloths and a basket (!), but I have a very real suspicion that that’s instagram talking, that isn’t real life. My life improved a great deal when I bought the baby a walker and a jumper, and he has a lot of fun using that large somewhat-unnecessary gear. The first time I saw another somewhat influencer-ish mom on Instagram using a walker I said audibly, “Thank God!”
I’m becoming aware of the true complex I have about buying things, the geologic layers of hard-rock guilt, all laid down by volcanoes long ago. Growing up in the nineties feeling aware that my dad was a hard working small business owner and that we had enough but not unlimited money for extra items — I remember scolding my younger sister at a mall food court once for getting lemonade because “water is free”. Somehow I felt it was my responsibility to protect my own mom’s bank account? (She had happily bought the lemonade with her credit card!). Another layer, my husband and I having not had a solid enough income to have a cushion throughout our twenties until very recently, and my feeling guilt about doing a lot of work to build a business and write things without getting paid for my time — while my husband worked full time to pay our mortgage, etc. My penance for that guilt was buying nothing, or only buying things secondhand for as little money as possible. This is how we furnished our house and our closets — and I do take great pride in having found things I loved while spending very little. I still feel extreme overwhelm with the prospect of buying new clothes or furniture, and though now I could step away from my secondhand-only mandate, I still feel much safer there.
Add to that guilt about shipping things in boxes that an exhausted worker in a warehouse had to pack, guilt about carbon footprint, guilt about consumerism in general, guilt about corporations, and goods made cheaply, and reading too many reviews, and confusion about who actually writes these reviews???, and about my own anxiety that nothing is actually good or worth buying which, at this point, might actually be true. Life is more than objects, and yet for all of history humans have been parsing out our relationship with our belongings. I feel that expansiveness here, the fact that it’s sort of worthy that this feels complicated. I’m right in the middle of a “big problem,” one that maybe at one point I’d had the illusion that I’d mastered (likely smugness about my carefully curated secondhand wardrobe and furniture, my handmade clothes, all furnished with hours and hours of my precious time, which is no longer possible.) What can I trust? I come to this with a lot of complicated feelings, a lot of personal history, a lot of quiet grief that we need to spend money to survive in the world as it is, and that our emotional health is all wrapped up in what we buy and how. I bought myself a beautiful swimsuit this week — WHEN WILL I BE SWIMMING?
Anyway, I’ve been mulling over whether I’d do a “favorite baby stuff” blog post ever, and of course I want to because I love reading that sort of thing, but I don’t feel like I could do it genuinely without also unpacking all of this fraughtness behind it all. I love to make things sad and complicated! Maybe not “sad” per se, but melancholy, at least. Blue. There’s a blueness about me that can’t be shaken — me, the first time mom stuck always at home in a pandemic. Me, lonely, forlorn, existential crisising, online shopping. Me, skipping out on revising my poetry manuscript or drafting my novel, or making illustrations for the project I’m actually contracted to do (!) to feel these feelings out loud in an email newsletter. It is what it is. In some ways, the fact that I am thinking too much about buying things, the fact that I sometimes buy the things I think about whether I ought to or not, is a very normal way to cope with overwhelming ambiguous grief, with everything changing and being so very unstable for way too long. I told my therapist I wanted to pause our sessions until I wean, ha! Spoke too soon?
Regarding baby things, I had a lot of anxiety about baby sleeping arrangements, spending probably forty third-trimester hours at least reading thousands (literally) of reviews for bassinets, feeling like nothing was suitable. We ended up with THREE secondhand newborn sleep options, all of which the baby initially hated so we anxiously co-slept in our bed for a little while out of pure survival. All of this to say, there’s no way to know what will actually work, and it all changes from day to day, week to week, and it really is nice to have the thing you need (or the thing that works) precisely when you need it. This is one area of life where the desperate midnight impulse buy could actually bring some much needed rest/peace. If there’s any time to use shopping as a coping mechanism, it’s new motherhood — but that’s sad too. What we really need is support, not stuff. But also stuff.
This list will not include everything you need for a baby, just the stuff I have genuinely liked/used/needed, and the commentary that goes with it. There’s stories in the stuff — what we choose, and when, and why, and what really feels meaningful in the end. Baby stuff has an aura about it — the tiny onesies that clothe your new kid’s perfect, perfect body, the first bassinet where they sleep. Even the changing table becomes somewhat holy, a place where a ritual of loving care is played out over and over again. These things are important and become infused with meaning simply by our living with them. I love how much baby stuff can be found secondhand, but there’s also something terribly sad about seeing baby furniture so easily cast-off. That crib is where someone slept before they even knew they were sleeping, that chair was where their mother rocked them in the middle of the night. I don’t know, all these objects aren’t the most important thing, but they’re not meaningless either, and I think allowing anything to hold as much gravity as possible is a worthwhile act of presence and hope. It’s probably the church kid in me talking, but, you know, the cup isn’t just a cup, the bread isn’t just bread. This online shopping, murky though it is, is a prayer too.
baby items I have used A LOT and that I like (in no particular order):
snuggleme nursing pillow — used daily, even still. It was actually difficult to use it at first because when tommy was tiny he’d sort of fall into the crack between the pillow and me, but now it is perfect, and I really love the fabric/shape compared to the boppy. Also really comfy as a laying-in-bed-reading pillow, wedged behind the back, so I feel like I’ll use it past the baby days too. And it’s pretty!
my breast friend nursing pillow — This is the kind of eyesore baby gear that I felt reluctant to buy but that ultimately truly deeply helped. I was having my baby-falling-into-crack woes for weeks before I broke down and bought one of these at the local secondhand kid shop, and once I did I wished I’d had it from the start. I’d recommend having one for months 0-3, and then shifting to a more traditional nursing pillow once baby is a little less tiny and muscle-less. You probably wouldn’t need this if you got good at side-lying nursing, but that never really worked for us (I think my boobs are too small? Sad!)
cheap audio monitor — we have a video monitor that I use frequently for quick checks (why is the baby sitting up in his crib?!?), but the real hero here is the cheap audio-only monitor. It works perfectly, never goes offline or cuts out (which the video monitor tends to do pretty often), and has a threshold of noise-level to turn on so that it wakes me up when the baby cries but doesn’t drone on and on with a tinny version of his white noise machine. old-school and great.
merry muscles — a fun impulse-buy that I’m really happy we’ve had. my baby is SO HAPPY in this thing. and it’s more ergonomic apparently than the jolly jumper, which is something I was concerned about. Sometimes I put on Irish Reels for him to dance to as he bounces. 10/10 fun.
joovy spoon — another very-happy-baby tool. walkers are controversial, which I get. the experts are really into not assisting baby’s movement too much so they learn to walk naturally. Tommy has always been deeply frustrated by his own lack of skill in movement, and very determined to keep working on it when he’s doing his ample uninhibited floor time, so I don’t really think using the walker is replacing any of that valuable work. He loves being in the walker because he gets to explore the house, go where he wants to go, do what he wants to do, and to see him feel free and confident and decisive and excited about living is good for all of us! This walker is simple and works like a charm!
lovevery toy subscription — this is spendy but, in my opinion, extremely worth it, especially for a first baby. The toys are very high quality, and arrive just as your baby is probably ready to be super excited about them. I love not having to think about buying baby toys separately (which would honestly probably add up to the cost of the subscription anyway, and we can use them again for later babies / other babies of friends + family. We also loved their play gym. We put it away for now since he’s bigger, but we used it daily from about 0-9 months. A great registry or holiday gift.
cloth diapers — full disclosure, we recently switched pretty much to full disposables, now that Tommy is eating solids and the poop is way more gross. A little gift I gave to my self. But for the first eight months, cloth diapers were awesome for us. I’m glad to have used them for the season we did, and grateful for the friends who gave or lended them to us. The wash routine was easy and never felt like too much, and we always used a combination of disposable and cloth.
sakura bloom scout — this is my favorite baby carrier, and the only one that really feels like it fits my frame + style equally well. It’s beautiful, it’s simple, and Tommy seems comfy. Recently got excited about the back-carry. Not cheap, but I’ve planning to use it for multiple babies, and the quality textile makes a difference to me. Sometimes I see them pop up secondhand on insta!
solly wrap — used this nearly daily when tommy was in the fourth trimester. Helped him sleep, helped me feel free to move about. 100% worth it. You could probably make this, but that sounds annoying. Just put it on your registry and enjoy the snug sleepy baby feeling.
tonga — this is my other favorite baby carrier, and by far my most frequently used. I can pop Tommy in and out of this thing (basically an easier ring sling, facilitating a hip-carry) super quickly, and I use it for all manner of quick jaunts that aren’t “walks” or “hikes” where I want to carry my baby but have a little more stability and have my body get a little less tired. I use this, for example, when we go watch the dogs outside the dog park fence. It has already been more valuable than I thought it would be. I love it so much.
storq changing pad kit — this was a top notch registry gift. every one needs some version of this kind of item, an on-the-go-changing pad, and this one fits well into the baggu bag I’ve been using as a diaper bag, is super functional, well-made, and cool looking.
nursing cover — I bought this before traveling on a plane, knowing I would need to nurse in public quite a bit, after trying to use a normal baby blanket as a nursing cover too many times and getting too frustrated. It’s ugly and weird, but so worth it if you’re ever going to try to nurse out and about and you want to be covered at least a little. I very infrequently nurse out in the open, but when I do I’m glad I have it. It also acts as my on-the-go multi-purpose baby blanket, which has also come in handy multiple times as a sunshade, grass cover, etc.
stokke sleepi mini crib — bought secondhand on facebook marketplace for a steal, so beautiful, perfect height to be right beside my bed where I could see the baby at head-level when I was laying down. Heirloom-level furniture, I’m glad we found it secondhand at such a great price. Really any bedside bassinet is fine and good. I loved roomsharing for the first six months. Now Tommy is in the iconic ikea sniglar in his own room which is also great (and so cheap!!). We also had a secondhand moses basket that we liked and used when he was really tiny, now a beautiful toy basket!
airpods — my number one recommendation for new parents. If you don’t have airpods or some sort of cordless bluetooth earbuds/headphones, please, please, please, for your own sake, get some. I listen to a podcast or music every time I put the baby down for naps (like ten-thousand times a day it feels like) and it’s such a nice thing I do for myself. Long walks, while nursing, while walking around the house, while letting the baby play independently but still sitting nearby, these + audiobooks and podcasts have helped me feel like myself, like my mind is alive and working. A real lifeline, and a very genuine recommendation.
A very important update!!!!:
We now have a house-stroller, and I did not buy it. I found it for free in the neighborhood while I was pregnant. An old Baby Trend Expedition jogging stroller, grey with yellow accents. I remember wheeling the empty stroller home, with the dog trailing behind. I forgot all about it until I wrote this essay and remembered it, down in the basement, spider-webbing. I felt embarrassed all over again — I still wanted a new stroller. This stroller is old and kind of janky, kind of rusted, and heavy to take up and down the back stairs — but we have it and it works and we got it for free. Once I came to terms with using this stroller, ritualizing the bouncing it up and down the stairs, I came to think of it fondly, to want to use it again and again and again. To find excuses to take walks. To push my baby in this free stroller around the neighborhood with relish and glee. Would I have felt so pleased with a stroller I purchased? I don’t know. This isn’t meant to be conclusive, or even to psychoanalyze myself (lol), but I just wanted to be transparent. We have a second stroller now, and it’s great.