as the year begins

all I have to offer is a poem

Happy New Year to you, wherever you are, whatever you hold. I have felt very quiet, or quieted, as 2025 has swept in. I keep feeling the urge to write, with nothing but diary entries coming out. So, here, a diary-entry-as-poem. That is all I have. I plan to let the snow keep coming down and blanketing the world and my mind. Spring will come when it’s ready.

P.S. For optimal line breaks, read on a computer or tablet. They don’t translate well on mobile. Still readable, but choppy! Xo!

As the year begins, it is snowing and blowing.

I am on hold with the Department of Human Services
and the hold music is catchy so I hum along.

I wake up curled around my toddler, who insists on 
sleeping as the little spoon. I am surprised by how much
I want to keep sleeping near him forever, the way animals
don’t question their huddling together at night.

The old cliche — we keep each other warm. 

The pines stay green, bless them. 
Dead grass pokes up through the snow.

I add sugar and milk and vanilla to my cup of earl grey.

My mind feels like a wrung out dishcloth, 
a dirty sponge, a used napkin.

My son asks me “what is junk?”

The books stay closed, I am on my phone too much.
I complete a book I couldn’t finish in print as an audiobook, 
feeling somehow like I failed.

I let the boys watch too much tv. We are home almost 
all of the time. They fight and want to jump on the beds. 

After my husband got the flu shot, he felt terrible. 
I felt fine except for a very sore arm. 

I am the only person wearing a mask at Target.
I wash my hands for twenty seconds 
over and over until they bleed.  

I don’t speak to my friends. When I do, 
I don’t know what to say. 

My sister comes over to play with the boys. 
She asks me when I feel “the void.” I realize I’ve 
been very numb. When the days are over-filled
and everyone needs you all the time, what space
is there for emptiness, and all it offers?

I return to myself when I exercise. Kara says
to let the breath “wash” me from the inside out. 
And it does. 

“All advocates are assisting other callers. 
Please stay on the line and the next available
advocate will be with you shortly.”

I bake scones, I roast potatoes for lunch. 
I never know what to make for dinner. 
The same old meals, three a day. I feed
everyone again and again. I load the
dishwasher, and it hums with warmth. 

My son wants to wear his new running shoes inside. 
I am fanatical about germs. What else can I control? 
I take them away, put them on the high shelf of my closet. 
Have I done anything right? Have I done anything wrong? 

The dog spends the day sleeping on the couch.
I envy his simplicity. But then I remember
that he can't read. Maybe he likes the sad music I play.

If I could only read, I would feel better. 
Is that true? I need to repair my mind. 
Why does it feel irretrievable?

Maybe I will be on hold forever, with this 
music playing. Would that be so terrible? 
All advocates are still assisting
other callers. Please stay —